Online Dating is the Worst

I don’t know. You’re probably going to ask why I am single and the honest answer is that I don’t know. I like me. It took me a long time to actually like myself, but I do. I’m smart and kind and I’m cute. I mean, have you seen me??? I am fricken adorable! I’d totally date me. But here I am: 41 and single. And I don’t really have a great answer for the eternal question of “why?”

I am primarily at work or church. Work dating is a big fat no, and church dating hasn’t really happened. So, I turned to the world of online dating. When people ask me about my experiences with online dating, I really only have one response: “Jesus,  take the wheel.”



Online dating is not for the faint of heart. No matter which app you’re on, it’s an ordeal. Let me give you some examples. First of all, what people are looking for what seems to be one extreme or the other. Either they have zero interest in “catching feelings” or they propose to you within three messages. Also, ladies, be prepared to see more unsolicited dick pics than you can imagine. I got two this morning before I had my coffee. You can’t expect me to have the patience for penis pictures when I am uncaffeinated. Plus, I didn’t ask. I opened a message and BAM! Eye assault with stranger wiener. Gross.

Then, there’s the never ending requests for “nudes.” “Send nudes!” “Do you have any sexy pics?” “Take a picture for me in nothing but your bra!” Yeah, no. It’s not going to happen. Sorry, fellas.

So much inappropriate and downright weird stuff gets said to me on dating apps that I started an Instagram account to document it all.

On the rare occasion when I meet a normie, they don’t actually want to meet in person. It’s so bizarre. The app is about DATING not being digital pen pals. I get that it’s nerve wracking to meet someone you’ve spent time texting with. Anxiety builds and you’re afraid they won’t like you in person. But what’s the actual point if you never intend to meet? I don’t want to be the girlfriend that lives in your phone!

Also, I’d like to address all the people in relationships who are on these apps. Multiple times a week, I see a profile wherein the guy admits he’s “married and bored” and “looking for a little fun.” I also see many a-profile that states the guy is in a “poly” relationship or that he and his girlfriend/wife are “ethically non-monogamous.” I’ve been propositioned to be a participant in a “throuple” so many times that I have lost count. I’m not judging anyone, but maybe all the people currently in relationships could exit the pool? I’ve got no one and they’re seeking 2nds. Maybe make an app for that and stop littering the field for those of us who just want a single person?

Sometimes, when I am swiping and swiping, I feel like I’m on the quest for the relationship Holy Grail. Did you see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? You know the part where the Nazi chooses the wrong cup and he shrivels up into a skeleton and dies? The ancient Templar knight says “he chose poorly.” That’s what I hear in my head every single time I meet someone that I think is going to work out, and then, you know, it blows up in my face.

I’m not giving up, though. I’m sure he’s out there. So, I’ll keep looking.

But if you happen to know any single men who aren’t skeevy…you know, send them my way. It’s like trying to wrangle a unicorn. I can use all the help I can get.

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